A friend from Niagara was going to get married in a week and this was to be his last weekend of freedom. Instead of a simple bachelor party, the best man, Mike, plans an entire bachelor weekend in Toronto. I am very excited about this idea and the inevitable weekend of debauchery that will hopefully ensue.
I meet up with the crew at one of the dude's apartments. I know Mike, and I know Walsh, the groom, but I've only met one of the friends once and the other two I have never met before. I'm hoping that they will be crazy kids who, like me, make poor decisions when drinking. On the ride up to Toronto, I begin to realize that this may not be the case.
I already knew that Mike likes to talk other people into doing stupid shit, but that he is generally pretty cautious himself. Walsh is pretty laid back, more of a closet troublemaker. As I get to know the other guys, they seem to be pretty cool, but also pretty laid back. We will have to see what happens when alcohol gets brought into the picture.
We make it to the hotel at 10:30. We get to the room and I discover that they have brought an xbox to play some guitar hero. This scares me. I do not want to be in a hotel room in Toronto playing video games all night. We eventually go out to a sports bar for some drinking. It is a pretty fun night but nothing very crazy happens..
Walsh asks me, "so, are you gonna hookup this weekend?"
Walsh: "O, really? No chance?"
Me: "Well, odds are, no... unless I somehow fall into a perfect situation."
That type of thing is hard to accomplish at a sports bar. The only girls in sports bars are generally lesbians and girls there with their boyfriends. Occasionally you'll find a group of girls but they're hard to approach without a good wingman.
Ian comes over telling a story of how he just defended two lesbians. I tell him, "Damn Ian, you should have gone for the threesome."
Ian is very drunk. I later see him sitting at a table with some chick, but he is not talking to her. It looks kind of awkward so I go over to see if I can make the situation any more awkward. Once I sit down, I realize that she does not speak much English and I'm pretty sure she's there with her boyfriend. Ian tries to talk to her but fails miserably. He is very entertaining and could potentially be a good wingman.
After a few more drinks, we head back to the hotel. As we step into the elevator I see three girls trying to make it in before the door closes. These elevators are very small and there's not much room in them, but they are girls, so I kick my foot between the doors and hold it for them.
One's decent looking, one's average with nice boobs, and the other one looks kind of nerdy and ugly but has a decent body. I'm really drunk and they're the only option besides guitar hero. As long as they're not morbidly obese, then I don't really care at this point. They offer us alcohol back in their room. Me, Ian, Walsh and Ben go to their room while the others go to our room to play guitar hero.
We walk into their room and I see that they are staying in a suite. It has two bedrooms, each with a king sized bed. I decide that my goal for the night is not to hookup with any of them, but to sleep in one of these huge beds so that I don't have to share a bed in our room with a dude or sleep on the couch.
I jump into the bed and say, "This is my bed now!" The big booby girl and the nerdy girl jump into the bed with me, as does Ian. The rest of them sit out in the living room for a while.
I'm laying on the bed and the nerdy girl is straddling me. I'm just laying there drunk. Well, really drunk. The nerdy girl keeps getting close to me and I can tell she wants to kiss me. I'm talking to her friend while she is trying to kiss me. I'd prefer the friend, but I'm willing to take the nerdy one if Ian could get any game going with the big boobed one. It doesn't look like Ian is doing great though.
The girls ask me if I want anything to drink. I tell them that I just want some water or pop, as I realize that I am intoxicated to the point that I don't really need anymore alcohol.
While big boobed girl goes with Ian to get drinks, nerdy girl attacks me and starts making out with me. I make out with her until they bring me back a drink. I take a sip. Tastes like a little bit of sprite mixed with a lot of vodka.
Me: "Are you girls trying to get me drunk?"
Booby Girl: "Maybeeee"
Yeah, I'm already drunk bitch, wheres my water? I continue to woo them with my charming Buffalo accent. These girls point out every word I say and I realize how strong my accent really is. They love it though. Ian is still unable to create any magic with either girl.
When the girls go to the bathroom together, Ian says to me the same thing I was thinking, "I think they both like you."
I tell him, "yeah, dude, I'm kind of getting that vibe too. I think I can pull this off. I mean if you think you have a chance with one then go for it, but the chance for two doesn't come around very often."
I'm glad that Ian has recognized this and has decided to try to let it happen. Most of my friends would get jealous and try to stop it because they're dicks.
All three of the girls are in the bathroom with the shower on, so that we can't hear what is going on. Apparently the hot one with the boyfriend is yelling at the other two to not do anything with us. I am too drunk and not caring that I can't hear any of this, but Walsh and Ben hear it as they are robbing the fridge of alcohol.
The girls come back and Ian goes to the bathroom. As soon as the bathroom door closes, the girls get up, throw Ian's shoes out the bedroom door, slam the door, and turn off the lights. Well, I guess he was right.
I feel kinda bad for Ian. I am being pretty selfish. But c'mon. I'm ridiculously drunk in Toronto and two girls are all over me. What would any other guy do in this situation?
I have taken maybe two sips of my drink when big boob girl tries to force me to drink it. Bitch, I'm already drunk, and I don't need to be any more drunk to do this. While trying to force me to drink it, she purposely dumps the entire drink all over my shirt. They tell me that I have to take my soaked shirt off. I agree. I can't possibly wear a wet shirt. I might get sick.
I take off my shirt. My stomach is wet from the drink and makes my abs look much better than they really are. They compliment my good body. I compliment their good alcohol. I start making out with big boob girl, then switch over to nerdy girl. This is awkward. Good thing I am drunk. I do not know which girl I should be kissing so I pull them both in and kiss them both at the same time.
We lay down and I feel more awkward. Which girl do I devote my attention too? If only I was blessed with two penises, this would be much easier. I play DJ on both of them for a while.It's kind of difficult to keep everything synced. I'm not a great multi-tasker but I think I am managing pretty well for having no preperation. I have to cheat to the girl on the left side because my shoulder is not completely healed from the prior month's dislocation and it's a little stiff. It's not the only thing that's a little stiff. Ok, I'll stop. This is getting graphic.
After we're done, we go back downstairs where their friend is playing guitar hero in my room with my friends. Nerdy girl is wearing my shirt and I am wearing my undershirt. They decide to go back up to their room. I make nerdy girl give my shirt back because I know if I do not get it now, I will never see it again and I really like that shirt. She takes it off and she is standing there in just a bra. The kid playing guitar hero sees this out of the corner of his eye and says, "what the hell?"
The girls leave the room and I am interrogated. I go into an uncontrollable fit of laughter before I can begin to tell what just happened. I am still highly intoxicated. I tell the story. Everyone loves it. I go take a shower to wash away my sins. We then all go to sleep and have dreams of dirty Canadian threesomes. I am sad to say I did not accomplish my ultimate goal of the night of sleeping in the suite. But I guess the threesome almost makes up for that failure.
I am not going to lie and say these girls were great looking. They were not. They should be so lucky to be with Chuck Garlock. If you combined their two rankings they might be a 9. But at that point, I just didn't care. No Canadian children have shown up to my door yet and I have shown no signs of any rare Canadian STDs. Thank god for American contraceptives.