Monday, December 10, 2012

Gingers, Guidos, and Midgets

Living in Allentown was a pretty awesome time, but sometimes, shit got weird.

One weeknight, me and two of my roommates, Jimbo and Drew decide to go to the local bars. We first go to brick bar. Since we haven't pregamed at all, Drew starts us off with a round of shots. What does he order? Soco. My arch-nemesis. I down the shot and immediately I am not feeling good. I head straight to the bathroom and puke it up. I am 100 percent sober. How the fuck does this happen? I head back to the bar and order a beer to get the taste of puke and Soco out of my mouth. The beer goes down fine.

After a few beers, we leave brick bar to head to another bar, when we see Margarita and her boyfriend standing outside the local convenience store drinking some beers. They have some extra and offer us each one. We talk to them for a while, when Margarita's boyfriend starts saying some shit about Conman, our other roommate. I let it slide at first, but the alcohol is starting to hit me and he is not stopping.

Dude: Yeah, that kid is a douche
Me: You look like a Canadian with those glasses you're wearing. Are you Canadian?
Dude: Did you just call me Canadian?
Me: Yeah. Seems like you're the douche.
Dude: Are you serious you little bitch? I'll fuck you up
Me: What are you gonna do? You're a fucking ginger and you look Canadian.

Margarita gets between us and I start singing the Canadian national anthem. I thank him for the beer and leave.

The Ginger texts Jimbo the rest of the night about how his best friend is a heroine dealer and that he is going to kill me. Blah, blah, blah, I don't care, I'm getting drunk.

We drink until 4am close and head outside. There seems to be a lot of action going on. There are still a lot of people gathered on the street. There is a group of Jersey shore-looking guidos causing problems. This is rare for allentown. It must be the week of the Italian Festival. I spot a guido chasing a midget around. I think I know this midget, as he looks like the midget who stands on the corner and sells poems that he writes on colored construction paper. While the guido is chasing the midget, a hippy starts riding circles around the two. Apparently, the hippy gets too close to the guido, and the guido pushes him off the bike. This guy is being a complete asshole.

There is a car sitting in the middle of the street blocking traffic. A guido is driving and yelling out the window. The guido chasing the midget gets into the back seat and starts yelling shit at everyone watching. He's acting like a real tough guy.

I've had enough of this douchebaggery. I start to look around for a rock. I can't find one anywhere but I eventually find the perfect projectile. A glass beer bottle. I pick it up, aim for the driver, and overhand chuck it as hard as I can. It doesn't hit the driver but it blasts the spot between the driver window and the back window and shatters very loudly. I try to stand there like I didn't do anything, hoping that no one has seen me. I look back and forth trying to help find out who threw it. The driver yells, "what the fuck?" The other guido yells, "it was that dude in the black shirt!!!" He points at me. I'm not sticking around to get arrested so I get the fuck out of there.

I sprint down the street and up a parking lot. Shit, dead end. I turn around, hoping no one is behind me, then run up a side street. I am wearing sandals so I take them off to run faster. I see headlights coming and jump behind a parked car. My feet are in pain as there are tiny little rocks lodged in the bottoms of them.

The car passes. I catch my breath and call Jimbo. He answers. He does not sound very happy. I'm not sure what he's saying. I make out him saying, "the fucking cops are here," then he hangs up the phone. I wait behind the car a little longer, waiting for things to cool down.

I don't see any cars anywhere so I run up the street and around the block. I put my sandals back on and non-nonchalantly walk up Elmwood. I make it into my apartment safely. I wait for Jimbo and Drew to get back.

They arrive just a few minutes later. Jimbo's hand is messed up. I think that he has gotten into a fight and I start to feel bad that I left him behind. He tells me that he calls the cops to report a drunken driver. The cops show up but do nothing. He gets angry and punches a street sign right next to a female cop. He hears that the driver is the son of someone higher up in the city of Buffalo so they just let him go. The only thing he got in a fight with was a sign. He is very angry. Once again the legal system has failed Jimbo.

1 comment:

NOSAJ said...

I want to thank you chuck, my day was so fuckin boring until I read this! Funny shit!